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Updated: Nov 24, 2021

However, when I am making the video, their I do, I am aroused, and at the same time I know I am filming myself with as main goal, to climax and share my orgasm, share how I reach my orgasm...

I still seem to have a dilemma… I continue writing to my Captain, my deepest thoughts, fantasies, and secrets.. I continue making videos for my Captain, masturbating, showing off my body, my breasts, my sex… why? Knowing that he eagerly awaits to know more about my inner self, to mind fuck a little more with me, to post as much as possible on our blog, on his chosen porn site. He loves how he pushes my boundaries, and wants to see how far I will go, how long it will take for me to change my mind… Many times I have said “No” in the past, it has become a “Yes”, so obviously he finds this amusing and awaits to see if he is able to change my mind or if I will change out of own free will.

I think I am still in the phase of turning a blind eye, everything I do for my Captain, I do it for my Captain, hoping mostly it will be for him, for us, and not to be shared on some porn site, which I still find repulsive, with the few exceptions of decent pornography. There should be a screening for these kind of things… Some kind of rating, like hotels, from 1star to 5star and maybe even 6star… but obviously who gets to determine… What I find beautiful, arousing, erotic, hard core, sensual, is far from being the norm for others. Anyway, as you can tell I still find it repulsive to know I am on a porn site, but I still do it… Well I provide, and the Captain posts it. He loves it, seeing my videos online, it is one of his masterpieces. He watches me, he’s proud and masturbates endlessly on the same video. It is flattering, exceedingly flattering… Then again, why is it bothering me and why am I still not doing anything about it?

I never go and watch and if the Captain puts my video on the large television set, it does absolutely nothing, it brings no emotion… However, when I am making the video, their I do, I am aroused, and at the same time I know I am filming myself with as main goal, to climax and share my orgasm, share how I reach my orgasm, with which means, fingers, dildos,… I want to please my Captain, and I do, I share everything I have to share with him… Sometimes it feels like a one-way street… I share, and share, and share my inner self, my thought process, my desires, my fantasies, my sleezy sex stories to wank on… My Captain will send me videos he likes, or ask favors, but he won’t share his fantasies, or his thoughts, or actions. It seems kind of unfair. I also want to know more of his deepest self… I also want to read his thoughts, his frustrations with me…

My Captain is absent… and so am I… he has been physically away for a week, and I have been quiet, unable to write, unable to send photos or videos, just an absent intermezzo… He is in Paris, the City of Love, the city of erotic, of beautiful girls and women all ages, of delicious little dishes as delicious for the sight as for the palette, of endless beauty, the city where one is free, where one is open… the city where I am not… He wants to take me to Paris… there’s this little club he knows, where he dreams of taking me, wanting to see how my boundaries could be breached... It is a stunning little club, chic, I can only assume, small, intimate, just how I could most probably imagine enjoying it… In Paris, he stays with his friend, we call him the naked man, as he adores exhibiting himself in a decent way, where he can, but primarily in his apartment. His girlfriend, apparently, has taken up to the exhibition spree as she dances naked for my Captain at night, when he is there… She spreads her legs and reveals her pussy to him, quite the “coquine” as they would say! She has been offered to him on a few occasions, which he has kindly declined…

Should he not have declined, I could not comment for I have accepted the terms of “compersion”, clearly defined in our Contract (yet to be signed but we are very near…), whereby I could not be jealous should my Captain be toyed with by another woman, or should he pleasure another woman. I can only but imagine if one of your closest friends “offers” his girl, what a sense of trust and reward it must be! Who knows when I will go to Paris and who would be offered to me…? or would it be me being on the offering end?

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